Nutshell

Where oh where to start?

We've experienced some really difficult moments over the past couple of years. I'm not looking for a pity party. I'm not drowning in sorrow. It just is a relevant fact, a mile marker, an exit ramp in our life journey. Amongst those challenging moments we also have experienced an abundance of love, joy, and new family memories. These moments must prevail above all else.

Bottom line, I'm not willing to allow that incident to define the rest of our lives. Yes, it consumed our life for many many months. Yes, it has significantly affected relationships... understatement of the year! Yes, our course has changed. We can't go back to "the way it was". But we can continue moving forward. We can still dream and go after those dreams. We have done our best to embrace this newly charted course and make the best of it. Sitting around and hosting a pity party isn't healing. Living life is healing.

Over the past many months I've been focusing on my own mental health. I’m thankful to Carie for that! I'm proud of the work that I've done. I'm thankful for the opportunity to focus on my own emotional healing. I'm proud of the work that Carie and I have done to strengthen our relationship. I'm thankful for this opportunity to have a positive and lasting impact on my family.

I knew I was hurting. I knew I wasn't "okay". But, day to day, I thought I was "doing okay". Clearly there was more faking it than making it moments going on. It's amazing to realize how much anger and hurt there really is once you start peeling back the layers. Unfortunately when you start uncovering those layers it isn't just about the single incident anymore. Suddenly everything over the past 30+ years becomes in scope and relevant. Oh boy! Good times!

Our counselor has used the analogy that we all have a bucket. We stuff the uncomfortable stuff deep down into this bucket and well, the stuff in my bucket had been compacted nice and tight and it was still overflowing. Clearly I should have started some sort of reservation system for my bucket. Nope, can’t take that problem today my bucket is full. lol

All that to say that I'm dealing with situations that I've bottled up and, well, people don't like it. Imagine that! I don't like it either. The amazing thing is that it is SO freeing to deal with this crap, to put it all out there, to remove something from my bucket. To take care of myself which in turn then takes care of my family.

No, I really don't want to piss anyone off. No, I don't want to hurt anyone. But in the same token, I shouldn't be hurting at their expense and that is exactly what was happening. These relationships are important but no more important than my own well-being.

One particular incident we're involved in is a make it or break it exchange. In a perfect world, we would be able to have a dialogue about the situation and come to some sort of resolution where we ALL walk away feeling relieved. There is an ENORMOUS opportunity here to strengthen these strained relationships. But honestly, it takes all parties involved to make that happen. Unfortunately that isn't happening and it's sad to say that Carie and I aren't all that surprised. Their responses are all knee jerk replies with no (apparent) care in the world that their actions were hurtful. Collectively they had hashed it out, washed their hands of it and had moved on. I guess it is easier to move on when you do so with like minds and you avoid the conflict. Is that really resolution?

At a time where we were still very much affected by the emotional ramifications of our situation, WE were supposed to reach out to them if we needed something. I'm sure anyone that is dealing with (but not addressing) depression and PTSD can attest to the stupidity of this... (not my writing/typing!)

"... we don't ask questions. WE try to stay out of other peoples business BUT As Family, we are always willing to help in the time of need. If Needed - we will do whatever we can- Just ask."

Really?  Because yeah, when you are in that emotional space you are going to be strong enough to ask for help!?!? Get a clue! The thing is, all we really “needed” from them (from anyone) was respect and some level of emotional support. No different than we should be able to benefit from on any other day. Thankfully we had an abundance of positive support from our friends!

Instead we didn't comply with their requests, they didn't like it, they didn't understand it, they weren't kind or respectful about it, and they assumed that we were being irresponsible and selfish. They truly expected us to put it ALL out on the table so they could chew it up, spit it out, understand our position and then judge our answer. Case in point...

"It would seem to me that if you want me to understand your circumstances and your decision that you could have been honest with me – if not, I would expect that you understand that I made my decision to NOT understand Your decision based on the information that You gave to Me – it now seems that was not the truth …"

Ahhh... now (they believe) I've lied to them. OMG seriously? This drama is just too much for me!


No, I never asked you to “understand my circumstances” but I did expect you to respect my position. The difference is huge.

Is this where I remind folks that I was nearly 40 years old, a partner in a strong/loving/supportive/stable relationship of 14 years, a parent to 3 amazing kids, and a responsible adult holding down a successful career. I pretty damn sure that I can evaluate my family's personal needs (stemming from this accident no less!... cue emotions!) against my own strong desire to do something really important for my Grandparents.

Unfortunately the very specific needs of my family conflicted with the larger family desires and we let a lot of people down. Ohhh the guilt!

Unfortunately their actions have now jeopardized our future relationship with the family.

But I refuse to be bullied anymore!

Roller Coaster

I feel like I'm on the world's biggest roller coaster and for that I should apologize to those that have to live with me or be around me.  I can hardly stand myself.  I need to "figure this out", and quick!  If only "figure this out" were that easy.  I've got years of shit to "figure out".  Where's that easy button? 

I get to go talk with someone that will hopefully help me sort it all out.  I wonder where she'll start?  The possibilities are endless!  Last week I was all nervous about the upcoming appointment.  I was a mess, at the lowest point of that roller coaster. What the hell was I thinking about opening those wounds further?  I can only imagine that it will get worse before it gets better, much like a good spring cleaning.  I don't think I can handle worse!

Today though, today looks promising.  So bring it on!

This morning I'm at the highest peak of the roller coaster.  If only the operator would stop the ride and leave us hanging there.  I could deal with that.

There's so much hurt and hate and anger and fear in the world.  Imagine what it would be like if we could ALL get stuck at our highest peak.  Suddenly a flash of Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs comes into my head.  Okay, so maybe we don't all want to be stuck in happy land forever.  Though it sure sounds appealing!

Manipulation

Because I’m in that kind of mood.

Because I far too frequently wonder if parents confuse manipulation with brilliance, intelligence, and plain ol being "smart". In this day and age are we so focused on how brilliant or intelligent our kids are that we lose sight of the underlying behavior?

To me, if a child can manipulate a situation to totally benefit them and take advantage of someone else, that is not intelligence or brilliance. And if the parent thinks that the child has made a smart decision, the child has successfully pulled one over on you. Gee, do you think the child will repeat that behavior? Do you think your reward system is working? How does it feel to be manipulated? Oh wait! You don’t think you are! Does it make it okay if the manipulative child then in turn shares their bounty? Are they then viewed as giving or thoughtful?

Yes... intelligence does involve manipulation... as I just discovered in the definition below. But to me the line is crossed when the manipulation of the rules or system is strictly for their personal gain and directly undermines the purpose of the system that they are so brilliantly manipulating. Because, you know, they are intelligent that way.

Yeah - it makes sense, read it again.

Manipulation
2 b: to control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means especially to one's own advantage
3: to change by artful or unfair means so as to serve one's purpose

Intelligence
1 a (1): the ability to learn or understand or to deal with new or trying situations (2): the ability to apply knowledge to manipulate one's environment or to think abstractly as measured by objective criteria (as tests) 3: the act of understanding

Brilliant
2 b: distinguished by unusual mental keenness or alertness

Do our kids manipulate us? Heck yeah. All kids do to some degree! Are we aware of it? Most of the time I think we are. Do we call them on it? Every single time!

Do we think they are brilliant? Of course! I mean really, don't most parents think their kids are brilliant? But it isn't those manipulative moments that define their intelligence... at least not in our family.

What defines your child’s brilliance?

Friday!

The little people who do not permanently reside in our house... ought to be thankful it is Friday. If they are lucky, Carie will have recovered by Monday when they get to spend the entire day with her.

For the 2nd time this week one of them has decided to convince the bus driver to do something he shouldn't do. For the 2nd time this week Carie has had to run outside (thinking something is seriously wrong) in search of them. This has never happened before and now twice in the same week! And they've happened to pick the coldest week since what... 1996? At least Carie threw some shoes on this time! Coats really are optional (for the adults) in our house. I mean, it only feels like 9 degrees outside. A heat wave compared to the past couple of days!

And then... while she had to step out to locate this missing child (her mother expected her to be on the bus as well!); the rest of the little people couldn't restrain themselves and woke up Spencer. Talk about icing on the cake!

Carie says... "I have just crossed the line of things that I can take for the week."

There is no apparent reason for this child to give the bus driver alternate instructions. Sure, there are (rare) times that one of her parents is home and they flag down the bus for her to get off. But today, for some odd reason, the bus took the route backwards. Slick roads maybe? So, they hadn't even passed her house for her to notice that her dad's truck was in the driveway. Not to mention no adult flagging the bus down!

She had just to take it upon herself to tell the bus driver that she was getting off at her house. And wouldn't ya know, no one was home! Turns out, the truck was in the driveway because he blew a tire! So he drives her back around to our house and lets her off there. Great, now all the children are inside our house unsupervised! He passes Carie who is walking back to our house and they briefly chatted. He seemed frustrated as well.

Of course, everyone is relieved that she was found okay. But this is totally unnecessary. Follow the routines. Don’t make alternate decisions just because you want to! One child is a total manipulator and the other one exaggerates most everything. It’s sad, but you can’t believe any of them most of the time! Our kids have totally picked up on this and they even question what they say. Hopefully the bus driver has learned a valuable lesson! Perhaps Carie will have a chat with him.

Oh, and yeah... no hot water this morning. That was fun!

Can It Get Crazier?

Yes it can!

I've got blog material to share; I just can't get to it. We've ventured out and experienced ice skating over a couple of weekends. It has been a fantastic experience! But of course the pictures still sit on the camera. The material still floats around in my brain. Life has to slow down a couple of notches to get to any of it.

Then if the recent weeks weren't crazy enough, this week has been especially over the top. We are hoping that things will sort themselves out by tomorrow. As if suddenly being down one vehicle (and shuffling transportation needs) wasn't enough, let's add missing the bus, Spencer coming to us saying "Momma, my ear hurts" (and resulting doctors visit), and a school planning meeting into the mix.

Today we are again without the car. This morning alone...

- The phone rings as Carie is getting Abby & Ellie up and dressed. It was a parent asking about club at school. Turns out it is the older kids today and our kids next week. No big deal, just one more thing.

- Ellie casually mentions that her ear hurts... but then moments later she says it didn't. Carie will check in with her at school this morning. There's potentially another Peds visit on our horizon.

-The grade school kids made the bus (the norm) but then the bus pulled back around (not at all the norm) and stopped at our house. Thankfully Carie noticed that it wasn't the trash truck! Beth got off and headed down the street towards her house. She always gets on and off at our house so I'm sure the bus driver thinks she lives there. Carie (in the -19+ degree temps) runs out after her... with no coat and no shoes! Of course Beth doesn't listen to Carie calling for her and continues to run all the way to her house! Turns out she forgot her lunch and somehow convinced the driver to come back around. Carie got her back on the bus and sent them on their way. There may have been a cold lunch inside her house but no one was home and Carie wasn't going in to get it. There will be a discussion about this later!

- And wouldn't you know it... Beth's lunch was in her backpack the whole time. Carie popped in to check on Beth when she was up at school. She was Abby's teacher last year and we have a great rapport with her. Unbelievable!

- There's been at least 1/2 a dozen calls with the repair folks at 2 different shops... making it now 3 shops (in 3 days) involved in this repair. But we've just learned that the repairs will be covered by one of the shops and the shop that the car is actually at will be doing the repair. This is a good thing. Not only will we not have to tow it again, but I trust these people to do it right. Oh, and while it's there... let's take care of some routine maintenance.

- Today is pre-school day for Spencer... which means transportation to and from.

- I needed a ride to work.

- Carie volunteers up at Abby & Ellie's school on Thursday's. She is at Spencer's pre-school on Tuesday's... the day the week went to heck.

- I've again rescheduled my (much needed) haircut... 2nd time this week.

- After we survive the crazy morning I'll take Carie and Spencer out to lunch... provided they pick me up. Then I'll get Carie home for the afternoon and hopefully she can stay put for a few hours.

This week has cemented the idea that we shall not sell our car. We've tossed around this idea in the past thinking that it may be possible for us to adjust to a one vehicle family. I'm sure it would be possible if necessary. But this week would have been so much more doable with a 2nd vehicle.

But things look promising. I'd love to have it all in the past and enjoy a great family weekend. A weekend where I’ve requested that we enjoy some time indoors where I can't crack my head against the ice! My neck would most certainly appreciate that!

Everything Else... Check

I didn't think it could happen, at least not this soon, but our Holiday cards are in the mail. We weren't expecting to get them until Monday and were quite surprised to see them arrive yesterday. Even with our upgraded shipping we weren't supposed to get them until Monday. Processing time and all that. So last night after our crazy day we got them assembled and ready to go. I dropped off the huge stack at the post office this morning. For me, this is a huge check on our mental to do list, especially since we just started this effort this past Monday. Yay!

Yesterday morning Carie went to the grocery store to stock up on all our necessities. And as it turns out, it was perfect timing! With school being out for today and the next two weeks, her opportunities have just decreased drastically. I can go to the store and I do go to the store. But we are much better off if Carie does this task. We need to make a better list of all the things we need for our Christmas celebrations, but we think we've covered all our bases. Hopefully any grocery stop in the near future will be quick and light on the good ol pocket book.

Wednesday afternoon (an early out day) the kids had fun making cards and such to include in some of the packages we were preparing to mail. That evening Carie took all of our packages to the post office with the hopes that they would arrive to their destinations in time for Christmas. It was nice to be able to wrap up these efforts and know that they are on their way to our friends and family.

Earlier in the week the kids took their gifts to their teachers and classmates. I'm so glad we didn't wait! I'm sure some folks were counting on kids taking stuff today. In prior years, that could have easily been us!

We still have some little craft projects to complete with the kids. They weren't done in time to include in the packages so we'll just have to send a smaller package when we are able to finish them up.

All that is left to wrap is a few Santa gifts that go to all three kids. That will be a piece of cake! We've just held out on this because we want to play with the stuff.

And better yet, we have our sitter scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. It's been at least two months and likely three since we've last had a sitter. We are all very much looking forward to it! I've even got our time all planned out and I'm so excited. The kids have been talking about Saturday and how excited they are. Abby "can't wait until Saturday"! Spencer wants to eat lunch and have popcorn with Andrea. Okay, we can do that! We won't let the door hit us on our way out!

The only thing left on our “to do” list is to make an official visit to Santa. All the kids have seen Santa, but not together. We plan to do that this weekend as part of our relaxing, taking it slow, fun family weekend.

It All Turned Out Alright

Why yes, it all turned out alright. We lived to tell the tale, and hey we can even laugh about it a little. But we can do without a repeat of the process that we took to get to alright.

This all makes me think of one of my favorite kid books "My Many Colored Days" that goes "It all turns out alright you see and I go back to being me".

So Saturday morning we ended up deciding that it would be a great idea to go to the zoo. It was supposed to be nice out, which means it was supposed to be slightly above freezing. Maybe more importantly, the sun was supposed to be out. So we get ready and head out only to find gloomy clouds, chilling winds, and nothing that we expected out of the weather. But we forge ahead. We get into the zoo and we have our IMAX tickets to see Antarctica. But before the show starts we have time to roam the zoo, and roam we did. We had a great time going through the Desert Dome (Abby's choice) and hanging out with the Orangutan’s (Spencer's choice). We even had a picnic style lunch while we watched the Orangutans’ play. It was hilarious to watch the Orangutan’s interact with the kids while they sat there eating their lunch. We then headed off to the IMAX show, which was the real reason we were there this weekend. We thought the kids would enjoy the show and this is the last week it is here.

It is just before the show begins. We are in the lobby getting all of our stuff peeled off of us and piled up nicely in the corner. Maybe this is also where I mention that the zoo isn't busy at all! All the kids were right there, and then they weren't. One, two, three? Where is three??? We discover that we are missing a blonde haired blue eyed boy. Abby ran up the stairs to see if he was up there. No! Carie ran into the gift shop (twice) located conveniently adjacent to the IMAX lobby. No! I asked some random man to look in the men’s restroom located nearby. No! I ran into the gift shop again, looked down all the aisles and out the front entrance when I heard a gift shop employee ask if I was looking for someone. As if it weren't at all clear that I was frantically searching for something/someone important. Yes I am looking for someone! I'm looking for my son! How old is he she asks. It all gets fuzzy from here. I don't think I was able to respond but rather motioned my hand to indicate his size. They happened to have noticed a little boy checking out the CANDY selection. Of course! Yes, it happened to be our little boy suspiciously holding a stick of candy behind his back. I grabbed him and quickly escorted him out to the IMAX lobby so Mommy could be relieved along with me. We had that nice little talk about how we were scared that we couldn't find him. The girls' gave him a hug and told them how scared they were too.

We then went to the movie, which the kids seemed to really enjoy. It was a bit more documentary-ish than we had anticipated, but it was really enjoyable for all. Spencer nodded off in the final few minutes. Good timing! We were done at the zoo and ready to head home. We even had rock star parking, right outside the IMAX entrance. It was nap time and Mommy & Momma had planned to use that time to prepare for the sitter and our evening out.

Except, where are the keys? I'm sure I had possession of them. I'm sure I was the one responsible for them. But they are no where to be found. I looked through ALL of my pockets. I had Carie look through all of my pockets. We scoured the in's and out's of the stroller, the backpack, any bag we had in our possession. Carie double checked her pockets, just because. Carie checked the pockets and hoods of all the kids’ coats as well, just because. We both searched the area, multiple times, where I believe the key had become lost. No luck, no key to be found. I was 90% sure it had become lost in the IMAX lobby, but after we searched and couldn't find it I began to question myself. But I was sure I saw it in my coat pocket before the movie. By now if any of the worker bees had been paying attention they'd think we were freaks. First losing the boy and now keys?

After a bit of pacing, evaluating, and a few phone calls we had a plan to get home. The upside to being stranded at the zoo is that we had fun things to do. So while we waited for our plan to execute we took a tour through the Jungle. Our ride arrives and we returned home just before 4:00, instead of just after 2:00.

But now how do we get inside? With the van and the garage remote it would be easy, but we don't have the van and thusly don't have the garage remote. Hopefully we are still missing a stake for the gate as I suspect and hopefully one of the back gates are unlocked, preferably the stake less gate! Except we are in the dead of winter and I'm pretty sure that I actually locked the gates this past fall. After a quick inspection I discover that I did in fact lock the gates. On to plan B - hoist one of the kids over the privacy fence and into the backyard. Thankfully there was only a pile of snow on the outside/front side of the fence and not in the backyard. Thankfully I'm tall and Ellie is small and a monkey by nature. Thankfully it all went very smoothly and no one got hurt! Ellie made it through our secret entrance, one that is impossible for me (or any adult) to fit through. Thankfully she is now also tall enough to reach the lock to the front door and can open it, something they could not do a few months back.

We finally all make it inside, get the boy down for his much needed nap, and kick it into high gear. Yeah, all those things we were going to accomplish in our available two hours needed to magically come together. We touch base with the sitter again and adjust our pickup time to only 30-60 minutes later than we originally discussed. I felt horrible, but it just was impossible to pick her up at 4 or even 4:30 given we were still trying to get into our own house at 4. Oh, and her address is in Carie's purse which happens to be safely locked up in the van that is still parked at the zoo. Totally irrelevant if this weren't our first time picking up this sitter! Thankfully Carie did have her cell phone that contained the sitter's phone number!

Since Carie has no purse, I end up going to get the sitter and we pick up the pizza that we ordered for the kids for dinner. We get everyone settled, which went very well. Spencer is still sleeping and we feel horrible about that. The grand plan was that he'd be up from his nap before we left so we could introduce him to Andrea. The best laid plans and all that.

We still went out, had a lovely dinner with incredible food and drink. Unfortunately, or fortunately, our table wasn't so "private" and it was a very busy night. It wasn't the most conducive for a great dinner conversation for us, but the people watching was really great.

We then stopped at this specialty party type store and picked up some V-Day tattoos and a few Easter items that caught our attention before heading back down to the zoo to pick up the van.

Oh, the van. Well, we had an extra set of keys that we had planned to use to go get the van. We are now discussing a better place to locate those keys to avoid future events such as this. But just as we were getting ready to leave for the evening I grabbed my coat off of the couch. Just as I went to put it on something fell to the ground. Wouldn't ya know it was THE key we had been searching for. Our only guess is that it fell out of my pocket and landed in the hood of my coat. Carie was brilliant to search the hoods of the kids’ coats, next time I'll have her look in mine as well!

As for the sitter, that all went really well. It was a great experience all around and we can't wait for an excuse to call her again. According to her mom, she had fun. She said (to her mom) that so many of the kids she sits for just watch TV, but at our house she got to play Candy Land, Hungry Hungry Hippo, etc... and that made her night. Gotta like that!

Date Night

I know I know we just had a weekend away. But tomorrow night we have a sitter and we, again, get to go do something together. This is the new sitter that we talked with, oh about a month ago. We were feeling like we were dragging her along a bit. But with the deal with Carie's mom falling into place, it didn't make sense to squeeze that into the mix. So tomorrow night we are going to test the waters and see how it all works out! I know she (the new sitter) is way excited.

It wasn't planned this way, but we've decided that this will be our little Valentine's Day celebration. We aren't big into celebrating Valentine's Day, as in we don't generally do anything big. But hey, since we are going out we might as well have a reason. Turns out we have swimming lessons on Valentine's Day so we are thinking about doing our celebrations with the kids on Friday instead. I think we are going to do fondue again!

For our date, we are finally going to be able to use our gift certificate to the Cheesecake Factory. We've been holding onto this gift certificate since my birthday several months ago. It is going to be so so yummy!

After an early dinner (in theory) we'll play it by ear. I have a really hard time asking a sitter to do bedtime, with our three, solo. Our kids really enjoy that individual time with us to read books, tell stories, cuddle, etc… and it is hard to manage that time - successfully - solo. And, well, Mr. Spencer used to be our most awesome sleeper. He is still a great sleeper comparatively, but the going to bed and getting to sleep part has been more challenging as of late.