Nutshell

Where oh where to start?

We've experienced some really difficult moments over the past couple of years. I'm not looking for a pity party. I'm not drowning in sorrow. It just is a relevant fact, a mile marker, an exit ramp in our life journey. Amongst those challenging moments we also have experienced an abundance of love, joy, and new family memories. These moments must prevail above all else.

Bottom line, I'm not willing to allow that incident to define the rest of our lives. Yes, it consumed our life for many many months. Yes, it has significantly affected relationships... understatement of the year! Yes, our course has changed. We can't go back to "the way it was". But we can continue moving forward. We can still dream and go after those dreams. We have done our best to embrace this newly charted course and make the best of it. Sitting around and hosting a pity party isn't healing. Living life is healing.

Over the past many months I've been focusing on my own mental health. I’m thankful to Carie for that! I'm proud of the work that I've done. I'm thankful for the opportunity to focus on my own emotional healing. I'm proud of the work that Carie and I have done to strengthen our relationship. I'm thankful for this opportunity to have a positive and lasting impact on my family.

I knew I was hurting. I knew I wasn't "okay". But, day to day, I thought I was "doing okay". Clearly there was more faking it than making it moments going on. It's amazing to realize how much anger and hurt there really is once you start peeling back the layers. Unfortunately when you start uncovering those layers it isn't just about the single incident anymore. Suddenly everything over the past 30+ years becomes in scope and relevant. Oh boy! Good times!

Our counselor has used the analogy that we all have a bucket. We stuff the uncomfortable stuff deep down into this bucket and well, the stuff in my bucket had been compacted nice and tight and it was still overflowing. Clearly I should have started some sort of reservation system for my bucket. Nope, can’t take that problem today my bucket is full. lol

All that to say that I'm dealing with situations that I've bottled up and, well, people don't like it. Imagine that! I don't like it either. The amazing thing is that it is SO freeing to deal with this crap, to put it all out there, to remove something from my bucket. To take care of myself which in turn then takes care of my family.

No, I really don't want to piss anyone off. No, I don't want to hurt anyone. But in the same token, I shouldn't be hurting at their expense and that is exactly what was happening. These relationships are important but no more important than my own well-being.

One particular incident we're involved in is a make it or break it exchange. In a perfect world, we would be able to have a dialogue about the situation and come to some sort of resolution where we ALL walk away feeling relieved. There is an ENORMOUS opportunity here to strengthen these strained relationships. But honestly, it takes all parties involved to make that happen. Unfortunately that isn't happening and it's sad to say that Carie and I aren't all that surprised. Their responses are all knee jerk replies with no (apparent) care in the world that their actions were hurtful. Collectively they had hashed it out, washed their hands of it and had moved on. I guess it is easier to move on when you do so with like minds and you avoid the conflict. Is that really resolution?

At a time where we were still very much affected by the emotional ramifications of our situation, WE were supposed to reach out to them if we needed something. I'm sure anyone that is dealing with (but not addressing) depression and PTSD can attest to the stupidity of this... (not my writing/typing!)

"... we don't ask questions. WE try to stay out of other peoples business BUT As Family, we are always willing to help in the time of need. If Needed - we will do whatever we can- Just ask."

Really?  Because yeah, when you are in that emotional space you are going to be strong enough to ask for help!?!? Get a clue! The thing is, all we really “needed” from them (from anyone) was respect and some level of emotional support. No different than we should be able to benefit from on any other day. Thankfully we had an abundance of positive support from our friends!

Instead we didn't comply with their requests, they didn't like it, they didn't understand it, they weren't kind or respectful about it, and they assumed that we were being irresponsible and selfish. They truly expected us to put it ALL out on the table so they could chew it up, spit it out, understand our position and then judge our answer. Case in point...

"It would seem to me that if you want me to understand your circumstances and your decision that you could have been honest with me – if not, I would expect that you understand that I made my decision to NOT understand Your decision based on the information that You gave to Me – it now seems that was not the truth …"

Ahhh... now (they believe) I've lied to them. OMG seriously? This drama is just too much for me!


No, I never asked you to “understand my circumstances” but I did expect you to respect my position. The difference is huge.

Is this where I remind folks that I was nearly 40 years old, a partner in a strong/loving/supportive/stable relationship of 14 years, a parent to 3 amazing kids, and a responsible adult holding down a successful career. I pretty damn sure that I can evaluate my family's personal needs (stemming from this accident no less!... cue emotions!) against my own strong desire to do something really important for my Grandparents.

Unfortunately the very specific needs of my family conflicted with the larger family desires and we let a lot of people down. Ohhh the guilt!

Unfortunately their actions have now jeopardized our future relationship with the family.

But I refuse to be bullied anymore!