Birthday Party UPs and DOWNs

Both birthday parties went swimmingly on Saturday. The weather was pretty nice, the clown/magician showed up and rocked the house, Carie pulled off her cake decorating project that I begged for, the kids had a blast and left at the conclusion of the party. With this incredible experience behind us, I shouldn't fret about large kid parties - in our home - anymore. This is definitely the UP part of the day and I'll write more about it when I can get a chance to share pictures. Hopefully there are pictures to share!

We had a small lull between the parties, a lull that grew even smaller by the time we got the kids party completely wrapped up and the family started arriving. The family gathering was smaller than usual with Grandpa & Yia Yia moving, uncle Micah & family not being available (which is a whole nother topic), and Uncle Jeff getting sick.

This is where it goes downhill...

Just after we get into the swing of the family party Ellie comes up to me (looking all serious) and whispers something in my ear.

"I really miss Grandpa and Yia Yia and I forget what they look like."

Talk about direct knife to the heart. This has got to be one of the hardest things for me, as a parent, to deal with. It just kills me to see them hurting so badly. It simply brings me to tears. I know Carie is struggling with it to. The real sucky part is that we can't do a single thing to "fix it". I don't need to fix everything in their life, but this is one that I'd love to fix. I know I can't fix it. I really do know that I can't fix it. But that doesn't stop me from wanting to.

Missing Grandpa & Yia Yia certainly aren't new feelings for either of the girls. They have been managing these feelings for the past 7 months. They write them letters (on their own initiative) telling them this. I just hadn't prepared myself for it to be a big deal this weekend, and I should have. This is the first birthday that they have missed. It was no surprise to us that they weren't there; we didn't expect that they would be. It just isn't an option. But to the girls, they just don't understand any of it. They weren't expecting them to be there either, but I think it really sank in when everyone else was there and they weren't. They are still grappling with the bottom line fact that Grandpa & Yia Yia aren't here... period.

They tried to talk to the girls on the phone over the weekend and Abby flat out refused. She misses them and wants to SEE them; she doesn't want to talk on the phone to them. I hope this passes and she agrees to talk to them on the phone soon. She has been lobbying hard to go to Oregon. I wish we could, I really really wish we could. I would love to make this a reality for them, but I can't.

Then there is Spencer who is extremely confused, and doesn't know it. Everyone here manages his confusion pretty well. No one gets bent out of shape when he interchanges names and what not. But to witness his confusion really hits home that he just doesn't even know Grandpa & Yia Yia. He talks to them on the phone. He gets things in the mail. But he doesn't have anything physical to associate all that with... except his other grandparents. The upside I guess is that in his case it is just our sadness that we have to deal with and he isn't struggling like the girls are.

We have pictures of them with the kids on our digital photo frame. They see pictures of them! But that isn't cutting it for these young kids. I wish it were!

There were many tear filled conversations with them on Sunday. In those conversations there was something mentioned about them potentially coming back in November or December. Unfortunately, that is another 6 months away... almost as long as they have been gone thus far. We can't say anything to the kids about this. It is too far away with too many uncertainties. These timelines are too big for these young kids to understand.

For the time being, we'll continue to make sure they know how much they are loved by all. I just wish we could do more.

A saying that has hit home for me a few times in my life... It is always easier to be the one who leaves than to be the one who was left.