Rumblings Of Fear
There is really only one thing in life that I totally fear. Sure, there are many more things that I'd avoid at all costs, but there is only one thing that breaks my heart at the simple thought of the possibility.
My ultimate fear is losing my children, my partner, or my children losing one of us.
That pain becomes so real and so possible when I witness other families being separated for long periods of time or when a family has lost a loved one. This is especially true when young children are involved.
Recently one evening I thought it would be a great idea to abandon the ritual of watching one (or many) of the shows awaiting us on our DVR in favor of checking out the Movies on Demand section. It seemed like a fantastic idea at the time. We easily found a movie that looked promising to both of us. We settled in, watched, and very much enjoyed ourselves. Except a large part of the plot, that should have been clear to us before making our selection, was that this young girl loses her mother and her world is turned upside down. Overall we both enjoyed the movie. While it all ends wonderfully, the girl still lost her mother. I know it was "just" a movie. I was still a basket case! Because seriously, that is a reality for many families. Kick in the (familiar) fear that this reality could be us!
It has now been 5 months since the car accident that took a precious 11yo girl from her incredible family. Man that was a hard one to swallow and I'm not even her parents, sister, brother, grandparent, aunt, uncle, cousin, or best friend. But I knew the family fairly well and I am a mom. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of Ashley and her family. There isn't a week that goes by that I don't send up a prayer and light a candle for them. Tears flow easily for them. Tears flow easily in fear.
Another biggie for me is fire. I know far too many people who have been affected by a fire. I'm always making sure the space heaters are being used properly. I'm always making sure the floor vents aren't covered up with rugs, towels, or clothes that the kids have discarded in the bathrooms. I do need to test the (hard wired) smoke detectors. The kids are old enough that we should create an evacuation plan. We need to do this! I worry that this isn't enough. I worry that there may be nothing we can do to prevent such a thing.
I get so sappy witnessing families being separated (or even reuniting) as they serve our Country. These families are making huge sacrifices. I think about the kids. I think about how hard it would be for me to be separated for that length of time. I witnessed my uncle deploying while my aunt and their children remained strong and supportive. On the outside they were much stronger than I! It is so hard to even imagine what it must be like. I again think of the kids and the sacrifices they are making.
Generally speaking all these fears hang out at bay and don't rule my life. But they are most defenitely there. They are triggered by certain events and then rational side of me tries to regain composure.
Oddly last night my fears were mildly triggered by an unusual event (for us). We had gone out to grab something to eat and give the kids an opportunity to run and play. It has been raining, the kids had been cooped up inside all day, it is spring break, and everyone needed to get out of the house.
At about the same time we arrived, another family had arrived also. Though the dynamics seemed off and we were puzzled at first. Then another adult (male) joined them and gifted the 2 young kids (age 4 and almost 3) gender specific cheap toys. It was soon clear that he was "dad", the woman was "mom", and the role of the 3rd adult was still a mystery. But not for long! Throughout the time they were all there the 3rd adult would suggest different ways for the dad to interact with the children. Instead of suggesting that the almost 3yo “tell mom that she is mad at her for eating all the french fries”, the 3rd adult suggests that the girl tell her mom that “she would like some french fries please”. And perhaps there is a more appropriate way to address your 4yo son who just beat the crap out of my 2yo son. I didn't want the boy to "get in trouble", but seriously. My boy can "hold his own" and he may be physically bigger than your son, but that doesn't make it okay. I guess he could have chosen worse words than "wallops" when explaining to his son why he shouldn't do such things. Why can't it just be that we shouldn't do those things? Why can't it just be that it isn't kind and it is hurtful? Why can't that be reason enough?
After a bit the dad tells the kids bye (all stoic) and leaves while the mom, kids and other adult remained. The other adult is busily writing notes on a packet of papers. It becomes pretty clear that this was a supervised visit for the dad. It is sad if this was his "best behavior" as a parent, after all he knew that he was being critiqued. Carie and I were then grateful to one another that while we may not "get it right" as often as we'd like, we haven't gotten it so wrong that we need supervision. Not that my bar has been adjusted.
Then today I finally did it, I finally took a look at the Sex Offender Registry. There is a big to do around here because a federal law will change the way our state classifies sex offenders. I've been in denial for long enough, so I checked it out. I don't know what I was expecting. I don't know how, or if, this will change how I parent. But my search returned 3 - Level 3 - sex offenders. One of which lives literally blocks from us. Another lives next door to the indoor soccer complex where we were just this past weekend (with a bazillion other kids) for soccer pictures. The third has absconded!
I then looked at my parent’s neighborhood and my search returned 17 - Level 3 - sex offenders. None of which are quite as close as ours, but still... 17. I found 16 for my brother & SIL, 17 for Carie's sister & BIL, and (not surprisingly) 41 for Carie's brother & SIL's location.
Whether it is 3 or 41, bottom line is we need to continue to keep our kids safe, even if it is out of fear. As long as my love for them is what drives that fear and it isn’t the fear that is driving the love.
My ultimate fear is losing my children, my partner, or my children losing one of us.
That pain becomes so real and so possible when I witness other families being separated for long periods of time or when a family has lost a loved one. This is especially true when young children are involved.
Recently one evening I thought it would be a great idea to abandon the ritual of watching one (or many) of the shows awaiting us on our DVR in favor of checking out the Movies on Demand section. It seemed like a fantastic idea at the time. We easily found a movie that looked promising to both of us. We settled in, watched, and very much enjoyed ourselves. Except a large part of the plot, that should have been clear to us before making our selection, was that this young girl loses her mother and her world is turned upside down. Overall we both enjoyed the movie. While it all ends wonderfully, the girl still lost her mother. I know it was "just" a movie. I was still a basket case! Because seriously, that is a reality for many families. Kick in the (familiar) fear that this reality could be us!
It has now been 5 months since the car accident that took a precious 11yo girl from her incredible family. Man that was a hard one to swallow and I'm not even her parents, sister, brother, grandparent, aunt, uncle, cousin, or best friend. But I knew the family fairly well and I am a mom. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of Ashley and her family. There isn't a week that goes by that I don't send up a prayer and light a candle for them. Tears flow easily for them. Tears flow easily in fear.
Another biggie for me is fire. I know far too many people who have been affected by a fire. I'm always making sure the space heaters are being used properly. I'm always making sure the floor vents aren't covered up with rugs, towels, or clothes that the kids have discarded in the bathrooms. I do need to test the (hard wired) smoke detectors. The kids are old enough that we should create an evacuation plan. We need to do this! I worry that this isn't enough. I worry that there may be nothing we can do to prevent such a thing.
I get so sappy witnessing families being separated (or even reuniting) as they serve our Country. These families are making huge sacrifices. I think about the kids. I think about how hard it would be for me to be separated for that length of time. I witnessed my uncle deploying while my aunt and their children remained strong and supportive. On the outside they were much stronger than I! It is so hard to even imagine what it must be like. I again think of the kids and the sacrifices they are making.
Generally speaking all these fears hang out at bay and don't rule my life. But they are most defenitely there. They are triggered by certain events and then rational side of me tries to regain composure.
Oddly last night my fears were mildly triggered by an unusual event (for us). We had gone out to grab something to eat and give the kids an opportunity to run and play. It has been raining, the kids had been cooped up inside all day, it is spring break, and everyone needed to get out of the house.
At about the same time we arrived, another family had arrived also. Though the dynamics seemed off and we were puzzled at first. Then another adult (male) joined them and gifted the 2 young kids (age 4 and almost 3) gender specific cheap toys. It was soon clear that he was "dad", the woman was "mom", and the role of the 3rd adult was still a mystery. But not for long! Throughout the time they were all there the 3rd adult would suggest different ways for the dad to interact with the children. Instead of suggesting that the almost 3yo “tell mom that she is mad at her for eating all the french fries”, the 3rd adult suggests that the girl tell her mom that “she would like some french fries please”. And perhaps there is a more appropriate way to address your 4yo son who just beat the crap out of my 2yo son. I didn't want the boy to "get in trouble", but seriously. My boy can "hold his own" and he may be physically bigger than your son, but that doesn't make it okay. I guess he could have chosen worse words than "wallops" when explaining to his son why he shouldn't do such things. Why can't it just be that we shouldn't do those things? Why can't it just be that it isn't kind and it is hurtful? Why can't that be reason enough?
After a bit the dad tells the kids bye (all stoic) and leaves while the mom, kids and other adult remained. The other adult is busily writing notes on a packet of papers. It becomes pretty clear that this was a supervised visit for the dad. It is sad if this was his "best behavior" as a parent, after all he knew that he was being critiqued. Carie and I were then grateful to one another that while we may not "get it right" as often as we'd like, we haven't gotten it so wrong that we need supervision. Not that my bar has been adjusted.
Then today I finally did it, I finally took a look at the Sex Offender Registry. There is a big to do around here because a federal law will change the way our state classifies sex offenders. I've been in denial for long enough, so I checked it out. I don't know what I was expecting. I don't know how, or if, this will change how I parent. But my search returned 3 - Level 3 - sex offenders. One of which lives literally blocks from us. Another lives next door to the indoor soccer complex where we were just this past weekend (with a bazillion other kids) for soccer pictures. The third has absconded!
I then looked at my parent’s neighborhood and my search returned 17 - Level 3 - sex offenders. None of which are quite as close as ours, but still... 17. I found 16 for my brother & SIL, 17 for Carie's sister & BIL, and (not surprisingly) 41 for Carie's brother & SIL's location.
Whether it is 3 or 41, bottom line is we need to continue to keep our kids safe, even if it is out of fear. As long as my love for them is what drives that fear and it isn’t the fear that is driving the love.
Labels: Family
posted by Sonya at 7:53 AM
2 Comments:
Wow. What an amazing post. Those emotions and thoughts are definitely always there for me too. And we have a neighbour who works with the police and she knows a lot about the people living in our neighbourhood... even on our street. She obviously can't mention names or exact locations but she tells us enough that it makes reality hit hard. It's information I'm glad we know but a small part of me still wishes we didn't know.
My level of anxiety over these very same issues is so heightened after becoming a mom.
I am so affected by every thing I see, fictional or real life, involving a loss of a family member. I think about it every day - I'm not so sure my wife does.
I also have a HUGE fear of fire. We live in a 3 story condo and I watched a neighbor die in a condo fire when I was in law school. I am TERRIFIED of fire and how quickly it spreads. I have an escape plan worked out and I'm never comfortable until I know my oven is off, all candles are out, etc.
The sex offender thing scares the crap out of me. I think Lois watches so much Lifetime TV, I am afraid of everything that can happen to a child. We live in an area that has many registered offenders, many in our neighborhood.
We do need to always stay on alert and not let our guards down. I like that you posted what many of us are thinking about!
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